PROCESSES TO EMPLOY:
Brutal Honesty, I over E, Present/Understand/Fix, Slowing Down Life’s Pace, Internal Focus, Fact-Finding, Honesty, Humility, Intelligent Decision-Making, Trust, Truth Telling, Settling Past Issues

We all like to feel as though we are in control of ourselves. We like to believe that we can handle whatever comes along. In addition, we all like to be seen as people who are in control of ourselves and our life-circumstances. When we are in control, we can direct a situation, person, or activity and control our emotions, our thoughts, and our behaviors. We do not like to feel as though we are out of control, and we certainly don’t want anyone else to think we are.

Our internal language can help us gain control of our lives, and it can convince us that we are in control even when we are not. When we talk to ourselves, no one else is listening. This allows us to say whatever we want to say. We don’t have to be accountable for how we communicate, and no one will correct us. We can put any spin on a situation, and whether that spin is accurate or not isn't always something we need to pay much attention to. The question is whether we are taking the steps to gain control of our lives or just trying to convince ourselves that we are in control.

Language can empower, or we can use it to lie to ourselves. We can use inaccurate statements to convince ourselves we are in control without ever committing to taking steps to make that happen.

Lies, Defenses, and Misdirection
Facing the truth in any situation is a powerful way to live. The statements we use when we talk to ourselves can empower us or turn us into weak, dependent people. Becoming an empowered person who is in control of themselves and their surroundings takes time and commitment. The internal language we use must be based on factual information. Nothing can be gained by using lies, defenses, and misdirection. They will lead to insecurity, conflict, and anger.

Our internal language often reacts to a stimulus, whether it stems from external sources or from our own thoughts. That dialogue might help soothe us and lessen the effects of fearful or angry reactions, or it might produce increased angry language that can worsen the situation. Angry self-talk increases adrenaline, and that can make us feel as though we are more in control and more powerful. Anytime adrenaline and other hormones accelerate the body, they create the appearance of control, but they are nothing more than a physical reaction to thoughts and language that produce anger and fear.

Fear and anger can cause us to become defensive because we feel threatened and out of control. We often use defense mechanisms to cover up insecure feelings and convince ourselves that we are more in control of the situation than we are.

Defense mechanisms are strategies we can use to cope with anxiety, fear, stress, and anger. Sometimes we know we're using them, but most of the time, they are unconscious. They are a way to manage uncomfortable feelings or thoughts by distorting reality. Distorting reality does not necessarily indicate the presence of psychosis or any deep-seated psychological issues. It just means that we are changing or altering how we are choosing to perceive things to make them easier to deal with. We may do this consciously or without awareness.

Here are some examples of defense mechanisms:

• Denial—Ignoring the reality of a situation to avoid anxiety


• Repression—Forgetting painful thoughts and memories


• Regression—Reverting to childlike behaviors or patterns of thinking to cope with stressful situations


• Displacement—Redirecting feelings or impulses about one person toward another, less- threatening person


• Reaction formation—Expressing the opposite of true feelings, sometimes to an exaggerated extent


• Rationalization—Giving seemingly logical reasons to justify behavior


• Intellectualization—Using reason, logic, and facts to avoid uncomfortable feelings or situations


• Undoing—Attempting to “undo” an action that one regrets doing